Clutterhead

I envy those people who found love in what they do.

Those people who's pursued their passion.

As for me, I'm still a sailing boat in the vast ocean with no clear destination. I thought midlife crisis has been over for me. I mean, people would usually have to deal with it and had dealt with it during their mid 20's. Heck I'm almost 30 yet... I still can't seem to find my way.

There are a few things I am passionate about. Writing, cooking, sleeping... haha!

I had stopped writing a few years ago. I thought I had lost it. Before I had a grand hiatus with writing stories, I suffered a writer's block. Or maybe that was the start of midlife crisis? Whatever. But yeah, the passion is still there but I can't seem to find the words to type. I had the scenes in my head but they elude me when I start to type on my computer. That's why I decided to temporarily stop -which was more than 5 years now I think? So much for "temporary."

As for cooking, I won't really say that I'm very good at it. But I like cooking. I like reading recipes and executing them. I wanted the smell of food. I like eating of course.

And for sleeping? That's my excuse to temporarily leave the world behind.

You see at a young age,  I have been conditioned to pursue practical things. Growing up in poverty makes you aim for greater things. Only when I was in college where my mind started to change. Taking up my course was a practicality for me. I'm smart enough to take up Engineering. It's more convenient for me at that time, so I never really considered what was I passionate about. Everything seems fine with what I took. I mean, I passed the board exam so that counts as an achievement. But really thinking about it, I passed it because it's imperative. It has been dictated in my mind that to be successful, I have to pass it. Then my journey will be smooth.

Every job I had there after, I had given my all. To the best of what I can do. But I guess I had surpassed that limit already. I can't find any motivation. I understand what I have studied but deep down inside, I can feel that it's not something I wanted to do. I wanted to do different.

I know I have to love my job because it is what feeds me. It's my and my family's sustenance. Maybe that is the reason why no matter how much I wanted to, I can't jump and take the risk. There are a lot of sacrifice needed and I'm not prepared for it. I can't just abandon myself or my family. There are a lot of things I need to consider. Specially since I'm the bread winner. Truthfully, adulting sucks.

With all things said, what was the main point of all this?

I guess to be NOT like me.

If you are younger, try to follow your passion as early as you can. Success is not based on monetary value alone. If you think it's too late, who knows? They said to each his own pace. Maybe it's not too late for us after all.

For me, I am waiting for an opportunity. If it doesn't come, I might make one. I still have to muster courage first. It's true that when you get older, the fire of taking risk diminishes. But sooner or later, we have to. It is what we owe to ourselves.

So goodluck to me. As long as I still have a single breathe left, it's still not too late. It is still a chance for a change. A change for a new start. The only begging question is... when?

A Big Round Head

It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it won’t fit, it’s too much, it’s too tough, I talk like this cause I can back it up. I got a big... Such a huge… Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Well, technically every man has it. Beyonce even hit it at a very high note – she sang it with piano. It’s the intriguing, intimate and complex E-G-O.

Actually, we are already not a stranger to this word. This topic was discussed in psychology class. A psychoanalytic definition would be: Ego is the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the Id and demands of the social and physical environment. That I got from a research at dictionary.reference.com. But honestly, I only half-understood that meaning when I first read it. All I know is that ego is also our pride – thanks for my professor who cleared my misconception that the two is different.

Let’s try to take it lightly. Mr. Wikipedia said that Ego actually is a Latin word meaning “I”, cognate with the Greek “Εγώ (Ego).” Too technical? Here’s the sit. Ego refers to the me, myself or I of a person. This involves all of self’s thinking, feeling, and will. It tackles about how “I” am different (mostly means highly-slash-better-slash-etc) from the others, how people notice (synonym to appreciate-slash-taken-regard-of-slash-etc) “me,” or how to conduct (which is probably be-superior-slash-always-right-slash-etc) myself in public.

Actually, there is nothing wrong with ego. What’s wrong is how we are because we have this ego. Ego also becomes negative depending on the occasion it exceeds most. It’s all in the ‘head.’ It all depends on the person accessing his ego. Should I state some example? I guess stating just one is just too underrated. In truth, by observing ourselves the least, we already have examples.

Not convinced? That is one example. The refusal to admit that we have already surpassed the limits of social standard is a result of heightening ego. It might seem normal to deny, but what actually transpires is that we think that we are the ‘standard’ of human behavior. By believing that we are on a notch higher, we are on the upper seat and social norms are based on our presumption. We decide that the ideas opposing us are all wrong. If we felt that something is ‘right,’ we try to look for loopholes to prove that we are ‘right.’ Worse, we create ways to diverge that ‘right’ on our side so that it seems we made the ‘right’ thing/decision.

Let me give you a short anecdote:

After a tedious final examination, Luciano and his friends chat about what might be the results. “Hey! I asked Mansuelo if he would pass the test. He’s confident that he will,” said one of his friends. “What? Well if that Mansuelo loserpants pass, then we have nothing to worry about. Remember, I’m ten folds smarter than him.”

Let us take a review on the first story. How many of us had thought the same as Luciano? Are we saying the truth when we say we don’t? I don’t think so. In a way or two, we had… okay most of us had thought like him. One would say, “So what if I had thought like Luciano? What’s the big deal? I’m just being competitive!” Well, here’s the deal. Thinking that way is arrogance. We are being too proud and we condemn every people whom we felt we are superior to. And I tell you my friend, that is not so good. We must remember that no one is perfect. And that includes all of us except Him. Taking the position as Luciano, what would you do if Mansuelo passed and you didn’t? It would be depressing and shameful right? Atleast that serves better to those who think highly of themselves.

Of course in theory, we won’t be ending up like Luciano. In theory, we can control our ego. In theory, we can think thoroughly our thoughts before we act it. In theory, we would be glad for Mansuelo’s achivement and we would be inspired by his perseverance. In theory, we won’t be thinking that maybe a favor has been done. And in theory, we won’t be hurt, upset, depressed, if it happen’s that Mansuelo got a better score than us. That’s a lot of theories.

But in reality, our ego would make all those theories remain as theories. Because in this cruel world, competitiveness is inevitable - bah! excusess. And also in reality, I don’t have a classmate named Mansuelo and it so happens that my name isn’t Luciano. Haha.

A person who does not watch his ego is on the verge of danger. Eventually it would prove as a fatal flaw. Though ego itself is neutral – what’s wrong with ‘I’ after all? – it could be bad. As Athena said “The most dangerous flaws are those which are good in moderation… Evil is easy to fight. Lack of wisdom… that is very hard indeed.” Pride is a very stealth sin. We have been committing it known or unknown.

It is indeed very true that to defeat your enemies (which were the sins – in our case pride – that would drag us all down to fiery pit of torture which is hell) you must know everything you have to know. Confession, forgiveness and repentance might wash our sin but for the same sin all over and over and over again? Don’t you get tired? Think!

Keep your heads low. A ‘big head’ might be enjoyable to the man who has it. But, be reminded that a ‘big head’ would always cause hurt – especially to the people around him. And not everyone can take in a big round head. Let me give you a tip: don’t let your ego get too big, too wide or too strong, it might not fit, or might be too much, and you might lose the strength to back it up.

Just updating

Wow!

I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. Well, obviously I'm not the type who posts often (based on the number of post this "blog" has).

So, what happened?

Okay, Let's pick up where I left off. According to the latest post here, I am blessed enough to sign a publishing contract with one of my stories. Possible questions that would circulate - granting there are people who took their time to inquire regarding some nonsensical novelty novelette - is it available on book stores? Sad to say, it's not. It hasn't been for... oh! almost a year now. Hmm.

During last year's last quarter up to this year's first quarter I often asks the publisher as to when the book will be printed. And they always answer with a vague "soon". How soon is "soon"? I don't know, maybe a little equivalent to forever? Haha. Hope not. Closing in second quarter this year, up till now actually, my workloads been very heavy. I'm too occupied with work that I had little to no chance in updating the book's status or whatever it is that concern it.

In fact, I'm too busy that I even stopped writing. Of course that's just a lame excuse for my procrastinating act, and my inadequacy to actually write. Yes folks, the writing spirit had left me. Such a shame.

But the good news is that I'm beginning to get the hype back. As what I had posted on my Wattpad profile, I'm gone for a while. It's like I somehow foreseen the future. That I'll be back writing by the end on this year or early next year. And yes, I guess it's becoming true.

But! (Wow! A lot of buts. Hey, that doesn't mean I have an inclination with buts or something.) As I have said, I'm just too occupied with work these past month that I can't focus on writing.

It's true that writing relieves stress, but it also takes focus. And with the situation I'm in right now, focus is a luxury I can't afford. How sad, no?

So yeah, see you folks later! I'll be sure back to writing.

It's not a promise. It's a fact.

Ciao!