Clutterhead

I envy those people who found love in what they do.

Those people who's pursued their passion.

As for me, I'm still a sailing boat in the vast ocean with no clear destination. I thought midlife crisis has been over for me. I mean, people would usually have to deal with it and had dealt with it during their mid 20's. Heck I'm almost 30 yet... I still can't seem to find my way.

There are a few things I am passionate about. Writing, cooking, sleeping... haha!

I had stopped writing a few years ago. I thought I had lost it. Before I had a grand hiatus with writing stories, I suffered a writer's block. Or maybe that was the start of midlife crisis? Whatever. But yeah, the passion is still there but I can't seem to find the words to type. I had the scenes in my head but they elude me when I start to type on my computer. That's why I decided to temporarily stop -which was more than 5 years now I think? So much for "temporary."

As for cooking, I won't really say that I'm very good at it. But I like cooking. I like reading recipes and executing them. I wanted the smell of food. I like eating of course.

And for sleeping? That's my excuse to temporarily leave the world behind.

You see at a young age,  I have been conditioned to pursue practical things. Growing up in poverty makes you aim for greater things. Only when I was in college where my mind started to change. Taking up my course was a practicality for me. I'm smart enough to take up Engineering. It's more convenient for me at that time, so I never really considered what was I passionate about. Everything seems fine with what I took. I mean, I passed the board exam so that counts as an achievement. But really thinking about it, I passed it because it's imperative. It has been dictated in my mind that to be successful, I have to pass it. Then my journey will be smooth.

Every job I had there after, I had given my all. To the best of what I can do. But I guess I had surpassed that limit already. I can't find any motivation. I understand what I have studied but deep down inside, I can feel that it's not something I wanted to do. I wanted to do different.

I know I have to love my job because it is what feeds me. It's my and my family's sustenance. Maybe that is the reason why no matter how much I wanted to, I can't jump and take the risk. There are a lot of sacrifice needed and I'm not prepared for it. I can't just abandon myself or my family. There are a lot of things I need to consider. Specially since I'm the bread winner. Truthfully, adulting sucks.

With all things said, what was the main point of all this?

I guess to be NOT like me.

If you are younger, try to follow your passion as early as you can. Success is not based on monetary value alone. If you think it's too late, who knows? They said to each his own pace. Maybe it's not too late for us after all.

For me, I am waiting for an opportunity. If it doesn't come, I might make one. I still have to muster courage first. It's true that when you get older, the fire of taking risk diminishes. But sooner or later, we have to. It is what we owe to ourselves.

So goodluck to me. As long as I still have a single breathe left, it's still not too late. It is still a chance for a change. A change for a new start. The only begging question is... when?